I was sneaking a coin into our child’s room one night and there was the tooth fairy. Right there.
She looked at me accusingly, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m replacing the tooth with a coin” I replied.
Tersely she turned on me “Oh no your’re not – This is MY job!”
“Hey – This is my child and I’m entitled to pay for her tooth if I want to”
The fairy turned beet red. “You want to do MY JOB?” she said
“I just want the TOOTH!” I went for the pillow…
“YOU CAN”T HANDLE THE TOOTH” she bellowed.
“Dude – We live in a world that has kids, and those kids have teeth that need collecting. Who’s gonna do that? You? You Mr Parent?
“I have a greater dental responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the baby teeth and curse the braces – you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know – that collecting teeth, while gruesome, probably saved cavities; and my existence, while fantastic and fictional to you saves dental bills.
“You don’t want the tooth because deep down in places you don’t want to talk about at parties, you don’t want to find small boxes full of unidentifiable calcified remains when you clean up decades from now.
“We use words like ‘Fairy’, ‘Bunny’ and ‘Santa’. We use these words as the backbone of an eternity spent entertaining children. You use them as a punishment line.
“I have neither the time or inclination to explain myself to a man who sleeps in while I collect the teeth, and then questions the manner in which I collect them.
“I would rather that you just said ‘Thank You’ and went about your evening. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a wand and a tutu and start collecting. Either way, I don’t give a REINDEER’S PATOOT what you think you’re ENTITLED to!”
(Apologies to “A Few Good Men”)