(To the tune of “One night in Bangkok” from Chess.)
Cardiff, Little British city
But the city’s unaware what they don’t know will hurt them
The crème de la crème of the universe in a show with everything but The Doctor.
Torchwood – Been around forever and it seems that even Unit’s not as techni-cally clever
Time rift – bringing lots of strangers
and the 21st century’s when everything changes.
So it’s Scotland, or Canary Wharf… or Raxacoricofallapatorias … or…
or this place!
One night in Cardiff when the rift falls open. There’s creatures roaming down the city lanes.
You’ll find a changeling in each sordid nightclub.
A hoard of weevils in the city drains.
And it looks like Cardiff’s going up in flames.
This town’s looking for a saviour
And my crew and I are thinking we can do them all a favour
In the centre of the town there’s a big raging mob
Quit looking at Ianto, get your mind on the job!
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one obsequious, neat, competent male secretary…
Come on, On with your jacket
The people are scared and they really can’t hack it.
Let’s go! You’re talking to a fighter who’ll make the world a little brighter. Just look below my waistline… Sunshine!
So back to Cardiff now and things look nasty;
There’s flying faeries taking kids away.
There’s circus freaks out there from some old movie.
But Capitan Jack goes in without delay.
And once again he’s going to save the day
Torchwood’s gonna be the witness to the chanting of the children that is scaring us witless.
This scares me more than would a
giant demon or vengeful brother
Thank God they don’t know I gave them kids…
But now we must just keep on going
without our Tosh or doctor Owen
Hey look Gwen’s in the family way
I hope this bomb won’t ruin her day!
So you better get out through the door… or the invisible lift…
They blew up Torchwood and then tried to kill us.
The bastards tried to hide what they had done.
But they forgot the most important lesson;
Don’t mess with Cooper when she’s got a gun.
Not when she’s pregnant and she’s got a gun.
No more in Cardiff will the team catch weevils.
The aliens now will roam wild and free.
I guess we’ll have to call some Men in Black in.
Now that our Torchwood’s has gone from TV.
Not untill they run repeats on channel 3.