This in response to an article suggesting that Benny and Bjorn of ABBA fame asked about producing a musical episode of Torchwood.

(To the tune of “One night in Bangkok” from Chess.)

[The American]
Cardiff, Little British city
But the city’s unaware what they don’t know will hurt them
The crème de la crème of the universe in a show with everything but The Doctor.

Torchwood – Been around forever and it seems that even Unit’s not as techni-cally clever

Time rift – bringing lots of strangers
and the 21st century’s when everything changes.

So it’s Scotland, or Canary Wharf… or Raxacoricofallapatorias … or…
or this place!

[Torchwood]
One night in Cardiff when the rift falls open. There’s creatures roaming down the city lanes.
You’ll find a changeling in each sordid nightclub.
A hoard of weevils in the city drains.
And it looks like Cardiff’s going up in flames.

[The American]
This town’s looking for a saviour
And my crew and I are thinking we can do them all a favour

[Torchwood]
In the centre of the town there’s a big raging mob
Quit looking at Ianto, get your mind on the job!

[The American]
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one obsequious, neat, competent male secretary…

[Torchwood]
Come on, On with your jacket
The people are scared and they really can’t hack it.

[The American]
Let’s go! You’re talking to a fighter who’ll make the world a little brighter. Just look below my waistline… Sunshine!

[Torchwood]
So back to Cardiff now and things look nasty;
There’s flying faeries taking kids away.
There’s circus freaks out there from some old movie.
But Capitan Jack goes in without delay.
And once again he’s going to save the day

[The American]
Torchwood’s gonna be the witness to the chanting of the children that is scaring us witless.
This scares me more than would a
giant demon or vengeful brother

Thank God they don’t know I gave them kids…
in 1965…

But now we must just keep on going
without our Tosh or doctor Owen
Hey look Gwen’s in the family way
I hope this bomb won’t ruin her day!
So you better get out through the door… or the invisible lift…

[Torchwood]
They blew up Torchwood and then tried to kill us.
The bastards tried to hide what they had done.
But they forgot the most important lesson;
Don’t mess with Cooper when she’s got a gun.
Not when she’s pregnant and she’s got a gun.

No more in Cardiff will the team catch weevils.
The aliens now will roam wild and free.
I guess we’ll have to call some Men in Black in.
Now that our Torchwood’s has gone from TV.
Not untill they run repeats on channel 3.